post of pure boredom

i haven't really vented to anyone in a while and i feel i am going crazy. one thing i know about myself is holding things in longer and longer just makes them manifest in my mind bigger and bigger until that's all i think about. it's like in the movies when someone is thinking so hard about something that they start to hear people saying things that relate or take everything that someone says (even more so when it's the person doing these things to u) a totally different way then how they mean. so, here i am...going to vent my soul out to u, the no one that is actually reading this, but it makes me feel better to let it out

i love someone very much. and he's a great man. sweet, hot, funny, caring, and considerate. but there's one problem...he's an arrogant asshole. That kinda takes all the first stuff and minuses it by like 50. I'm not sure what to do most of the time with him. One minute he's happy, one minute he's mad, and he can say all day that he's not really mad at me, but really. There's only so much pretending a person can take. i will love him forever and want to spend my life with him and have kids. but there's that problem of him being an arrogant asshole. and the fact that all things relationship or "one woman forever" is just not in his agenda.

i've got two choices. stay and hope that one day he'll see what i'm presenting to him. Just to deal with the consequences of being with someone who is not in love with you. or i can leave and try and find someone who will be in love with me and not be an asshole. but that still would be nothing compared to the love he's shown me. and i'll never love anyone as much as him, so these guys would just be doomed from the start. they all have been and if i choose to find someone else, he'll be doomed too. Theres only one option...lets just hope that option doesn't kill me..

speaking of death. it's been in my mind. just ending all the pain. he can grow and forget about me and not have me prying or worried about what he's doing. I wouldn't have to go through any more shit...sometimes it doesn't sound all bad..

but life is here and now. I can't let it pass me by. gotta do what i have to do to survive. i don't wanna die...i just don't wanna go through all this pain.

family, friends, old friends, my love, past dudes who just keep coming back in my life for no reason. thank God the last boy hasn't done that. he'll get a hardcore slap in the face..just saying..

back to this house full of people i have to fake my happiness for.

--headache blues.. :(--