the dumbing down of love (alone)

so, i'm alone in this world. Don't have a real partner to share it with, friends that don't really care about me and more about themselves, family that doesn't understand, ad no job to at least have something to do during the day.

The guy that I choose to share my life with chooses to fuck other girls. Which not only put a damper on my love, but separates us in a big way. I'm tired of being the one that has to leave when another girl comes over. If u just wouldn't fuck these girls, we wouldn't have these problems, but i guess it's not a problem to him. Either way, he's fucking. But when it affects me seeing him when i haven't for two weeks, it pisses me off! And it seems like he doesn't care at all. It's not like he can tell me that i've been around him for so long and he needs space. I wonder what his excuse will be this weekend. He said i shouldn't be here if someone is gunna piss me off, and I totally understand, but it wouldn't be like that if you didn't make the choices that you did. It's starting to get upsetting. idk what to do...i love him so much, but idk if i can deal with this anymore. If he gets home and pushes me away..idk what i'll do..

my friends (the few they are) are a lot of fun. I just know that they are out for themselves and not me.

family will never understand me and what i've been through. If they knew EVERYTHING that i've been through, they would probably disown me...

i got three people that i can truly count on. My daddy, Sno (the man i love), and Sam (my best friend)

i know God has me always, but i do wish people on Earth did too...

post of pure boredom

i haven't really vented to anyone in a while and i feel i am going crazy. one thing i know about myself is holding things in longer and longer just makes them manifest in my mind bigger and bigger until that's all i think about. it's like in the movies when someone is thinking so hard about something that they start to hear people saying things that relate or take everything that someone says (even more so when it's the person doing these things to u) a totally different way then how they mean. so, here i am...going to vent my soul out to u, the no one that is actually reading this, but it makes me feel better to let it out

i love someone very much. and he's a great man. sweet, hot, funny, caring, and considerate. but there's one problem...he's an arrogant asshole. That kinda takes all the first stuff and minuses it by like 50. I'm not sure what to do most of the time with him. One minute he's happy, one minute he's mad, and he can say all day that he's not really mad at me, but really. There's only so much pretending a person can take. i will love him forever and want to spend my life with him and have kids. but there's that problem of him being an arrogant asshole. and the fact that all things relationship or "one woman forever" is just not in his agenda.

i've got two choices. stay and hope that one day he'll see what i'm presenting to him. Just to deal with the consequences of being with someone who is not in love with you. or i can leave and try and find someone who will be in love with me and not be an asshole. but that still would be nothing compared to the love he's shown me. and i'll never love anyone as much as him, so these guys would just be doomed from the start. they all have been and if i choose to find someone else, he'll be doomed too. Theres only one option...lets just hope that option doesn't kill me..

speaking of death. it's been in my mind. just ending all the pain. he can grow and forget about me and not have me prying or worried about what he's doing. I wouldn't have to go through any more shit...sometimes it doesn't sound all bad..

but life is here and now. I can't let it pass me by. gotta do what i have to do to survive. i don't wanna die...i just don't wanna go through all this pain.

family, friends, old friends, my love, past dudes who just keep coming back in my life for no reason. thank God the last boy hasn't done that. he'll get a hardcore slap in the face..just saying..

back to this house full of people i have to fake my happiness for.

--headache blues.. :(--

chillin like a villian!!

so, i'm chilling like a villian
and i'm killing with a million
on my mind, in the rhyme
don't think i got the time
to do the crime, but i wonder why
i still cry at the drop of a dime

with his words in my brain
i go insane in the membrane
like beastly when the mans in me
in my head, in my bed, wearing the jordans
with the red

he's ill like a pill
he's the chris to my jill
zombies walk all around us
people act like they ride the short bus
but we're still us, with our fingers up!!

ps: my life is still a mess. -__-

so, what if we lived in the 17th century and we still had kings and queens and the caste system. men could have multiple wives and children and everyone lived in happiness, yet feared for their safety at all hours of the day. There were no cops or judges. Just the stupid guards that would listen to everything the king said no matter what, or the queen or king that would sentence anyone who was convicted of a crime. Would life be easier, harder? --It's just a question, but to me democracy is just so much sweeter.-- (watching Game of Thrones, so my mind is clouded with british accents and death. lol)

early morning blues!

while the world is still sleeping, i sit up and think...gotta a lot of stuff on my mind so bear with me. In the course of a week, i've realized my mom and i have never had a relationship, i love someone who can't fathom the idea of a girlfriend, and my friends all think i've changed into someone worse than the old me. So, i'm getting hit from all sides of the spectrum.



Growing up my mom was always around, but i don't really have any significant memories with her. I was always at my best friend Tiffany's house, so i really saw her mom as much as i saw mine. If i did see mine it was because we were shopping for me or my mom had taken me to the next big chick flick. My brother brought it to my attention actually when we were catching up at raging burrito one day. He said, "Don't lose your entire relationship with mom because you don't wanna end up like her and Grandmother were." That right there, that comparison of me and my mom to my mom and Grandmother made all the sense to me. All the tears my mom has shed over me, all the things she wished i'd tell her. I know all of these things now and there is still one really messed up fact. I still don't really care to become super close with my mom. I love my mom sooooo much and will always be here for her, but I have never been the type to talk to her about my problems and stuff. She's always been more of a mom and less of a friend, but I wouldn't trade her for anything.


Moving on to what is supposed to be my favorite part of life which is now my nightmare. Love leaves you blind, or sometimes you see the signs, you just choose to ignore them and hope they go away. If you are choosing to ignore anything, then GET OUT! I am confident in saying I am smarter than most when it comes to reading people and the energy they are letting off. There have been times where i've just been chilling with the man I love and tears start to fall because i've been trying to ignore the emptiness of love i'm feeling. Like my heart is dangling out in the atmosphere and there is no one and nothing there to catch it. I've been with this man for so long, that I don't know anything else. I've had other people's hearts, but he's made sure that I can't even remember what they were like. Now, when someone you love tells you that your jealous issues were causing a problem, you would switch them right? Ok, so after you have switched your mind set to chill and not jealous mode, you expect the person you love to see that and to simply check that off the list of character flaws of that person. Well, some people just decide to break up with you after that, so don't feed into ANYONE telling you what you need to change in a relationship to make it work, because if you gotta change to make your partner happy, then they will never be happy. I like the fact that my jealous is tamed and my mind is set free from that a little bit, but did I really think that letting him do whatever he wants with whoever he wants was going to make him fall in love with me again? Now, I play the waiting game of my heart dangling out in the atmosphere still HOPING and PRAYING that he will eventually return to it and mend it from all the debri that has injured it while being exposed. Or my knight in shining armor will appear and all my emotional love problems right now will be postponed. Notice how I said postponed, because I don't think that my love will ever fully be gone for the one I love now. My heart will always be weak to his ways.


Friends thinking i'm changing is not far fetched to me. I know that my mind set is switched to a different station. If only I can just change it back to me...maybe the one I love will be in love with me again, maybe my friends won't be hounding me all the time about how i've changed and i'm not as nice anymore. Some days, I wish I could just start all over. I miss being the really happy Katy that everyone always wanted around because I made the atmosphere happy. If I were to go somewhere now, they would be waiting for me to make everything happy, but would end up sorely disappointed in the end to realize i'm all out of happy. But I am trying to get back on track with that. With happiness comes joy, and if I can just be happy again...he might come back to me.......oh no, here I go again........

steller

so, i decided that sometimes in life you can't always get what you want. You won't always have the same people in your life. Things change...often! It's whether you embrace the change or not that gets you what you really need. I am extremely saddened by the fact that i can't see my favorite baby grow up, and I can't be in his life. It makes me wanna cry...a lot. There's things in our lives that won't go like we wished it would. It's LIFE.

Life is a very broad term. You could be referring to life as bad in some cases, yet you can be referring life as good in some cases as well. Life can't even really be considered a word. We live...life is an action! If you aren't out there living your life, then you don't really have one.

**If you go outside everyday and stretch toward the sun, you will have SO much more energy during the day**

it's SUPER early in the morning. Don't have to wake up, but needs to do a lot before she and her bomb ass boyfriend go to athens! :)

REPTAR!!

my first real blog...lets do this...

So, lately i've been noticing certain things about certain people. Some people have the ability to adapt to any situation, which i don't see as fake. I just see it as a personality trait because even though someone is changing thier attitude around a certain group of people, it doesn't mean that their true selves are in question. Changing yourself to the environment around you is nothing but human instinct of survival. But there are fake people out there, ones that will be your friend to get what they need from you then once they don't need it anymore, you're cut off. That's happened to me so many times in life, it doesn't even phase me anymore. I've always been a people pleaser, so that means i'm a real easy target for being used. Well, not anymore. I'm not going to let anyone walk over me, on me, or even under me. A wise person once told me, "trying to please everyone will do nothing for you, but kill you."

^^That's my outlook on life of the enlightened^^

presently, i have a bomb ass boyfriend who i feel i can conquer the world with, some really great friends, a family that loves me, and a job...can't really beat that. :)

***Going to Lenox with Kim today!!***

Have a great day! :)

BLAH!! SLEEPY!

MY FIRST BLOG!! has to be cut short cause of time constraints! lol. it's early and i got lots of plans lined up tomorrow! 4/20....you will be good to me! :)