early morning blues!

while the world is still sleeping, i sit up and think...gotta a lot of stuff on my mind so bear with me. In the course of a week, i've realized my mom and i have never had a relationship, i love someone who can't fathom the idea of a girlfriend, and my friends all think i've changed into someone worse than the old me. So, i'm getting hit from all sides of the spectrum.



Growing up my mom was always around, but i don't really have any significant memories with her. I was always at my best friend Tiffany's house, so i really saw her mom as much as i saw mine. If i did see mine it was because we were shopping for me or my mom had taken me to the next big chick flick. My brother brought it to my attention actually when we were catching up at raging burrito one day. He said, "Don't lose your entire relationship with mom because you don't wanna end up like her and Grandmother were." That right there, that comparison of me and my mom to my mom and Grandmother made all the sense to me. All the tears my mom has shed over me, all the things she wished i'd tell her. I know all of these things now and there is still one really messed up fact. I still don't really care to become super close with my mom. I love my mom sooooo much and will always be here for her, but I have never been the type to talk to her about my problems and stuff. She's always been more of a mom and less of a friend, but I wouldn't trade her for anything.


Moving on to what is supposed to be my favorite part of life which is now my nightmare. Love leaves you blind, or sometimes you see the signs, you just choose to ignore them and hope they go away. If you are choosing to ignore anything, then GET OUT! I am confident in saying I am smarter than most when it comes to reading people and the energy they are letting off. There have been times where i've just been chilling with the man I love and tears start to fall because i've been trying to ignore the emptiness of love i'm feeling. Like my heart is dangling out in the atmosphere and there is no one and nothing there to catch it. I've been with this man for so long, that I don't know anything else. I've had other people's hearts, but he's made sure that I can't even remember what they were like. Now, when someone you love tells you that your jealous issues were causing a problem, you would switch them right? Ok, so after you have switched your mind set to chill and not jealous mode, you expect the person you love to see that and to simply check that off the list of character flaws of that person. Well, some people just decide to break up with you after that, so don't feed into ANYONE telling you what you need to change in a relationship to make it work, because if you gotta change to make your partner happy, then they will never be happy. I like the fact that my jealous is tamed and my mind is set free from that a little bit, but did I really think that letting him do whatever he wants with whoever he wants was going to make him fall in love with me again? Now, I play the waiting game of my heart dangling out in the atmosphere still HOPING and PRAYING that he will eventually return to it and mend it from all the debri that has injured it while being exposed. Or my knight in shining armor will appear and all my emotional love problems right now will be postponed. Notice how I said postponed, because I don't think that my love will ever fully be gone for the one I love now. My heart will always be weak to his ways.


Friends thinking i'm changing is not far fetched to me. I know that my mind set is switched to a different station. If only I can just change it back to me...maybe the one I love will be in love with me again, maybe my friends won't be hounding me all the time about how i've changed and i'm not as nice anymore. Some days, I wish I could just start all over. I miss being the really happy Katy that everyone always wanted around because I made the atmosphere happy. If I were to go somewhere now, they would be waiting for me to make everything happy, but would end up sorely disappointed in the end to realize i'm all out of happy. But I am trying to get back on track with that. With happiness comes joy, and if I can just be happy again...he might come back to me.......oh no, here I go again........

steller

so, i decided that sometimes in life you can't always get what you want. You won't always have the same people in your life. Things change...often! It's whether you embrace the change or not that gets you what you really need. I am extremely saddened by the fact that i can't see my favorite baby grow up, and I can't be in his life. It makes me wanna cry...a lot. There's things in our lives that won't go like we wished it would. It's LIFE.

Life is a very broad term. You could be referring to life as bad in some cases, yet you can be referring life as good in some cases as well. Life can't even really be considered a word. We live...life is an action! If you aren't out there living your life, then you don't really have one.

**If you go outside everyday and stretch toward the sun, you will have SO much more energy during the day**

it's SUPER early in the morning. Don't have to wake up, but needs to do a lot before she and her bomb ass boyfriend go to athens! :)